The Mind Loops Blog – September 2023
Some years ago I had a friend whom I adored. The type of friend that you could tell everything to. There were several times however when I’d share with her a painful experience from childhood – hoping for support and compassion – and instead she’d scoff and say, “Oh, that’s nothing compared with what I went through.” You could call this a type of “one upmanship”… (or in this case, “one downmanship”).
Then the ball would be in (and stay in) her court. How could I continue sharing any of my own experience, now that it apparently meant nothing, compared to hers? I felt silly and even ashamed.*
(*note: more Mind Loops for me!)
Another Person’s Shoes
We each have different extremes of situations, and different reactions to those situations – and thus different levels of resultant pain.
What seemed like “no big deal” to her, might have affected me more deeply than it would have her if she’d been in my situation – and vice versa.
In fact, I remember distinctly one memory she described that caused her tremendous grief and resentment. The exact same event happened to me, and was not an issue in my mind. For me, it was “no big deal.” (But I never told her that.) Amazing, how we can each experience the world so differently.
“Until one walks in another’s shoes…” as they say. Yet, we can’t ever do that completely. Or even minutely. Because we are each so entirely different: in our histories, mental make-up, spiritual beliefs, self-development, family systems, nervous system, brain chemicals, worldview, etc etc etc.
Why This Matters
Comparing our “sob story” with another’s is a common Mind Loops habit.
(Side note: A positive can come from this – if we ourselves decide our sob story isn’t as bad as someone else’s fate. Comparing our situation with another’s is actually a useful method to help move a person out of their story of “woe is me” and into gratitude. It can be potently transformative.)
But most often – especially when someone else “downgrades” another’s experience – the act of comparing sob stories leads to a slew of negative momentum. Shall we count thy ways?
| Comparing “sob stories”… 1) Shuts the other person down, so will block future sharing and thus connection with others; 2) Can become grandiose and self-important, and is a type of superiority – my pain was/is worse – or “bigger” than yours! – which are not emotional qualities that behoove relationships, nor self-growth; 3) Keeps us stuck in the bad memory mentally and emotionally. Quintessential Mind Loop. Which means you’re starting up the hamster wheel that can send you on a downward spiral for hours or days; 4) Negatively affects you physically: As you recall those painful moments, your body relives them. Your sweet body doesn’t know that this awful scene isn’t happening in the present moment. Have you ever been lying comfortably in bed, when your mind drifts back to a nasty moment in your life… and suddenly you become aware that your heart is racing and your breathing is shallow? Not exactly the best “medicine” for a radiant body and healthy nervous system! 5) Blocks the flow of positive manifesting, good luck, new opportunities, love. And if that isn’t a good reason to stop, I don’t know what is! |
So the next time you feel the urge to indulge in this common Mind Loops behavior, ask yourself:
Is it worth it? Can I do without the comparing in this moment, in order to:
- support and continue connection with someone I care about?
- luxuriate in a happier body and mind?
- and remain in the flow of Life instead of blocking the good that may be coming my way?
Wishing you a string of “joy stories” instead of a “sob stories”, coming your way!
Xo Barbara
Barbara Ireland
Author of the #1 Amazon Kindle Bestseller, How To Stop Negative Thoughts
Contributing author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, The Transformative Power of Near-Death Experiences
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